I cannot, for the life of me, understand why I am so academically challenged. From overall laziness, to pure confusion in certain classes, I have never found a way to be successful like many of my friends. I look back at my life and I think, "Myles, why did you make so many mistakes? Why can't you stay on top of things? What causes you to be so lazy or complacent?"
2 years ago I left university to go to community college. It was the hardest thing for me to ever do. I felt like a failure. Dread washed over me for 2 months. I contemplated suicide, hurting myself. I self-diagnosed myself with depression. Long story short, I was acting like a little bitch. Life caught up with me really fast. My old habits would not work in this new environment. In fact, the classes I was taking at community college were harder than any other classes I've taken before that on the account of no curves and lack of resources. That difficulty was the greatest thing that ever happened to me.
I didn't excel at community college. My grades hardly changed. I know. I'm embarrassed too. But the fact of the matter is, I learned. I realized my failures were completely my responsibility. I had to own my accomplishments and I couldn't keep blaming my failures on other factors; such as bad professors, unfair exams, unfair grading. Sure, life is unfair, but that didn't matter. I can't blame my deficiencies on life. They are my own.
I have a big hill to climb. I cannot explain my lack of academic strength with an acceptable excuse. The only excuse I can give is that I was immature and that I wasn't taking my life seriously. I will never get those 2 years back. I will always be behind academically until I graduate. These are facts I must live with and I have to carry them as my mistakes. But they don't come alone. Along with them come the experience of working 6 days a week for minimum wage and actually making my life enjoyable. I can say that I understand the value of working for my livelihood. I can say that I know how to recover from failure. I can say I appreciate life in every single aspect. I can say I love my life.
I see my friends in the same situation as me and they don't seem to have learned the same lesson I have. I don't know what to say. To me, they're immature and making excuses for themselves. But I know that I cannot presume to know their circumstance, and even if I did, these lessons can only be taught through experience. I'm saddened that anyone has to follow my path. That true failure is the only way to understand and appreciate the trials they've been given.
In the end though, I believe in the power of failure. It is a necessary path to understanding one's own deficiencies and abilities. I have learned a lot, but I know there is so much to learn, and more to fail from.
